Letting go. Finding peace by making peace with it. Moving forward with it. Living life again and loving it.


Importance of recovery and support.

Coping with the emotional and psychological toll of such situations can be incredibly challenging, often leading to significant repercussions on both mental and physical health.

**Understanding the Impact**
Experiences like the ones I encountered, unfortunately, are not isolated incidents; they are more common than many realize, yet they frequently remain unrecognized or unaddressed. The psychological manipulation and emotional stress inflicted by others can have profound effects, manifesting in various ways that compromise one's overall well-being. The interplay between mental and physical health is intricate, where emotional turmoil can lead to physical ailments, creating a cycle that is difficult to break.

**Seeking Answers and Understanding**
It is concerning that society often fails to delve deeper into these harmful experiences. Societal norms and ingrained biases can obstruct the necessary attention and understanding that victims require. It is crucial to challenge these behaviors and motivations, fostering an environment where such issues can be openly discussed and addressed, regardless of one’s gender.

**Addressing the Harmful Behavior**
The act of publicly embarrassing someone is a deliberate form of humiliation and control. Understanding the underlying motivations for such actions is essential in addressing the root causes of this behavior. It often reflects deeper psychological issues within the individual who feels compelled to exert control over others, highlighting the need for broader awareness and intervention.

**Recovery and Moving Forward**
Recovering from a significant health event, such as a stroke, presents a formidable challenge. It is vital to prioritize healing on both physical and emotional fronts. Engaging with a supportive network of friends, family, or professionals can significantly enhance the recovery process, providing the encouragement and understanding necessary to navigate this difficult journey.

**Advocacy and Awareness**
Sharing my story serves as a powerful tool for raising awareness about the insidious effects of emotional abuse and manipulation. It is imperative for society to acknowledge these issues and take proactive steps to support those affected. It is courageous to confront and discuss these experiences and is not only a vital part of my healing journey but also a crucial step in advocating for change and fostering understanding within the community.

4:49 PM 02/17/25

I had it. I beat it. I survived it. I am tougher than a stroke.

Two months ago tonight, I experienced a life-altering event: a major stroke. It was a moment that changed everything for me. The photographs I took a few days later, after being transferred to rehabilitation from the hospital and ICU, capture a pivotal time in my recovery journey. The other two photos I have taken are from today, showcasing the progress I have made. I have come a long way, yet I recognize that I still have a significant journey ahead of me.

As a prideful man, I find it challenging to share these images, as they are not the most flattering representations of myself. However, they are an integral part of my journey and the experiences that have shaped my life. Over the past decade, I have faced numerous challenges, including the heartbreaking loss of my wife, Dawne, who was the love of my life. Her struggles with addiction added layers of complexity to my grief, and I have had to navigate my own path forward while coming to terms with her death.

The accumulation of stress, emotional upheaval, and psychological turmoil from various sources has taken a toll on my well-being, ultimately contributing to the stroke I suffered. Despite these hardships, I have always sought to find the silver lining in every situation. This stroke has become a catalyst for change in my life—a reset, a restart, a refresh, and a reboot. It presents me with a unique opportunity to restore and reclaim my life in ways I never thought possible.

In case I haven’t made it clear, I want to emphasize that I am awake, I am alive, and I am breathing. For me, life is good. I have faced my challenges head-on, and I have emerged victorious. I beat the odds, I survived the ordeal, and I have proven to myself that I am tougher than a stroke. This experience has not only tested my resilience but has also reinforced my determination to live life to the fullest.

7:29 PM 02/16/25

A deeper truth.

The realization that I must stop relying on external factors as crutches or excuses has been a profound awakening. It’s a painful acknowledgment that I allowed someone to treat me in ways that were not only unacceptable but deeply damaging to my self-worth. This recognition of my own role in permitting such behavior weighs heavily on me, yet it does not absolve her of the responsibility for her actions. The emotional turmoil stemming from this dynamic has been significant, as I grapple with the impact of her words and actions on my mental and emotional health.

My tolerance for this treatment persisted far too long, and the ease of blaming only one side has masked a deeper truth: I held power in allowing it to continue. This realization is both liberating and daunting. Today, I am determined to shed these crutches and excuses, committing myself to reclaim my agency. The journey ahead is fraught with challenges, but I am resolute in drawing boundaries and pursuing the person I am meant to be.

The weight of my past choices is heavy, but I am ready to take full responsibility for my journey. I understand that learning from the past is essential, and embracing the possibilities of the future is a vital step toward healing. Change, while often rapid and unexpected, can be a catalyst for growth when it comes from a genuine place. The challenges I face, particularly after experiencing a stroke, require immense concentration and energy. The struggle to regain basic functions is a daily reminder of the fragility of life and the urgent need for change.

The loss of Dawne has been a life-altering experience, forcing me to reevaluate everything I thought I knew. Such profound loss compels a transformation that is both painful and necessary. It pushes me toward growth and resilience, even when the path is unclear. The essence of change lies in the unknown, and navigating this unpredictable journey is daunting yet essential.

In moments of vulnerability, I find strength. The chaos of my circumstances challenges me to confront my fears and push beyond my perceived limits. Through the pain, I see an opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. Embracing change, despite its challenges, transforms adversity into a powerful catalyst for positive transformation.

Reflecting on my past, I recognize the significance of acknowledging whether I have used certain situations as crutches. The overwhelming nature of grief and adversity can be paralyzing, and it’s natural to fear change. However, the key to moving forward lies in self-forgiveness and understanding. Everyone processes grief differently, and there is no right or wrong way to cope. Acknowledging my fears is a courageous step toward overcoming them.

The effects of my stroke are evident, but the emotional and psychological consequences are profound. The daily cognitive and physical challenges I face are overwhelming, and the struggle to perform basic tasks is a constant reminder of my limitations.

10:02 AM 02/16/25

Resilience. Respect.Reflection.

Reflecting on the past and considering whether you have used certain situations as a crutch to avoid moving forward is a significant step toward personal growth and healing. The loss of a loved one, such as Dawne, paired with the experience of being treated horribly and poorly, can undeniably be overwhelming. It's natural to feel afraid of change and to struggle with adapting to life's unexpected challenges.

The key to moving forward is self-forgiveness and understanding. It's important to recognize that everyone processes grief and adversity differently, and there is no right or wrong way to cope. Acknowledging any fears or hesitations you may have had is a powerful way to begin overcoming them.

Consider the following steps to help move forward:
Self-Reflection: Take time to truly understand your feelings and identify the root causes of your fears about change.

Set Small Goals: Break down the process of moving forward into achievable steps. Celebrate small victories to build confidence.

Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups. Sometimes, sharing your journey with others can provide new insights and encouragement.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that healing and change take time and that it's okay to have setbacks.

Focus on the Present: Try to concentrate on the present moment and what you can do today to make positive changes.

Open to New Possibilities: Allow yourself to explore new opportunities that may arise from embracing change.

Remember, acknowledging and addressing your feelings is a courageous step toward embracing change and adapting to new realities. You have the strength within you to transform adversity into a path of resilience and growth.

8:29 AM 02/16/25

Change becomes not just a reaction, but a proactive step toward healing and recovery.

The essence of change is embedded in the unknown, the unpredictable journey that it takes us on. When life presents sudden turns, like realizing the aftermath of a stroke or experiencing the heart-wrenching loss of a loved one, it forces an introspection that is both urgent and necessary. It challenges us to alter our perspectives, adapt our behaviors, and embrace new ways of thinking.

Change becomes not just a reaction, but a proactive step toward healing and recovery. It requires us to muster the courage to face vulnerability, to confront our fears, and to push beyond our perceived limits. It's about finding strength in moments of weakness, hope in times of despair, and clarity in chaos.

Through the pain and struggle, change offers an opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. It can illuminate paths previously unseen and open doors to new possibilities. Embracing change, despite its challenges, transforms adversity into a catalyst for positive transformation, propelling us toward a future shaped by resilience, understanding, and empathy.

8:24 AM 02/16/25

Recovery needs change. It demands it.

Change can happen rapidly and quickly without much thought or notice. One minute, you might feel one way, and then suddenly, out of nowhere, see and feel things in a totally different way. Change for the sake of change is not healthy or productive, but change in thought, feeling, and actions that are genuine and real, and come from an honest and true place, are truly life-altering and positive.

Just realizing that I had a stroke and all the daunting and unbelievable challenges that that presents in itself requires immense concentration, energy, and focus to restore and regain basic functions that have been lost. It demands change. It needs change. To recover, it is incumbent upon me to change my feelings, behavior, and actions. So, change in this case is for all the right reasons and all the right intentions.

The death of Dawne and losing her forced me to change; it was life-altering and sudden. Such experiences make you reevaluate everything you thought you knew, compelling a transformation in ways you hadn’t anticipated. This type of change, though painful, pushes you toward growth and resilience.

8:06 AM 02/16/25

Resolving To Move Forward

Resolving To Move Forward

The realization has dawned that it's time to cease relying on external factors as crutches or excuses, hindering the journey towards becoming who I am meant to be. I recognize that I allowed her to treat and speak to me in ways that were unacceptable and unhealthy. Acknowledging my role in permitting this behavior does not absolve her of responsibility or accountability for her actions, words, and behavior. She remains responsible for those.

However, my tolerance and acceptance of this treatment continued longer than it should have. It was easier to blame only one side, but that simplicity masked a deeper truth: I too held power in allowing it to persist. Today, I choose to let go of these crutches and excuses. I am committed to reclaiming my agency, drawing boundaries, and moving forward in pursuit of the person I am supposed to be.

No more crutches. No more excuses. It’s time to take full responsibility for my journey, learn from the past, and embrace the possibilities of the future.

11:16 AM 02/15/25

Exhausted and not myself today.

I'm feeling unwell today, and I can't quite pinpoint the reason for this sudden decline in my health. It’s a perplexing situation that has left me feeling vulnerable and anxious. I'm extremely tired; I wake up each morning with a sense of dread, only to find that I can stay awake for about 45 minutes before I feel the overwhelming urge to crash again. This persistent fatigue is not just a minor inconvenience; it is significantly affecting my ability to perform even the simplest tasks, such as speaking and swallowing. Despite having slept well last night, which usually rejuvenates me, I feel utterly exhausted and drained of energy.

Perhaps I'm coming down with a cold, but I don't sense any issues with my sinuses or nasal passages, which makes it all the more confusing. It's challenging to articulate what's happening within me because I feel a significant disconnect within my body. I don't have a clear sense of a large part of it, leaving me uncertain and anxious about what's going on. I do know that my balance and equilibrium are off today; even walking from my chair to the kitchen feels like an arduous marathon, each step requiring immense effort and concentration.

I plan to return to sleep soon because I'm just so drained, hoping that rest will provide some relief. This experience is genuinely frightening, and I wouldn't wish a stroke or any similar affliction on anyone. It's been a terrifying ordeal for some time now, and I find myself grappling with feelings of fear and helplessness as I navigate through this unsettling experience.

5:10 PM 01/28/25

Frightened.

I frequently engage in discussions about challenging topics, sharing my personal experiences and the struggles that often feel overwhelming and surreal. I am currently facing significant health challenges, which have led to multiple visits to the emergency room in the past week due to various concerning symptoms. My family is understandably vigilant, and any unusual sensations or fluctuations in my health prompt further medical evaluations. While I appreciate their concern, the anxiety I experience can trigger panic attacks, exacerbating my distress.

I have experienced a loss of sensation in various parts of my body, which is difficult to convey. On Christmas Day, I faced near paralysis on my left side, but I was able to regain some control through focused effort. However, I am dealing with a significant blind spot in my left eye, which is alarming. This has made it challenging to trust my environment, particularly on my left side, leading me to adopt a cautious approach to movement, resulting in a noticeable limp.

I harbor fears about my recovery, the possibility of another stroke, or a more severe stroke that could result in incapacitation. Having already experienced a major stroke, the thought of a worse outcome is daunting. I feel as though my body is in conflict, with one side at odds with the other, and my mind is similarly conflicted. This situation is not only challenging but also frustrating and frightening. The looming threat of another stroke is a constant source of anxiety.

I am concerned about the potential impact on my ability to engage in activities I once enjoyed, such as playing golf, operating a jet ski, or even driving due to my vision impairments. I find myself questioning whether I will ever be able to participate in physical activities again, aside from basic tasks. This uncertainty is deeply unsettling, and I feel a profound sense of embarrassment and humiliation regarding my current condition. I am navigating a complex landscape of fears, feeling confined within my own body and mind.

7:35 PM 01/25/25

Trapped.

I have encountered numerous challenges throughout the years, with Dawne's death being the most profound and difficult experience I have faced. The aftermath of the stroke has been beyond comprehension; it is both daunting and isolating. One experiences a sense of internal conflict, as the body seems to resist cooperation, leading to a struggle for control. Certain sensations are perceptible, while others remain elusive. For example, I can feel the back of my left hand and the triceps’ of my left arm, yet I lack sensation in my forearm, wrist, and bicep. Similarly, in my left leg, I can only feel my ankle and calf, while the remainder feels numb. It is as though my body has been divided; I do not even feel my bowel on the left side.

I face difficulties with basic functions, such as blowing my nose, due to a lack of control over the left side of my nasal passages. Recently, while showering, an object entered my left eye, causing significant pain and disorientation, nearly leading to a loss of consciousness. The lack of control over that side of my body contributes to feelings of isolation and loneliness. My speech has been affected; I often slur my words and have diminished control over the left side of my lip, resulting in frequent drooling. I tend to prefer solitude, as I am a prideful individual, and navigating life in this manner is both embarrassing and humiliating.

This experience has undoubtedly been the most challenging of my life, necessitating immense patience as I allow myself to heal. Although my cognitive functions remain intact, there exists a significant disconnect between my thoughts and my body’s responses. My parents endure my lack of a filter; I often express whatever comes to mind without restraint, which is quite embarrassing. I find myself reluctant to engage in public settings due to the fear of expressing my thoughts uncontrollably.

Having suffered a brain injury, which is the nature of a stroke, I now confront the reality of brain damage. Many functions I once possessed are no longer accessible, and I must retrain myself to regain them. Patience has never been my strong suit, but I have no choice but to cultivate it now. My body resists participation in the manner I desire, compelling me to adapt to its limitations. Coming to terms with this reality is profoundly challenging, and I would not wish this experience upon anyone.

I recognize that I will grapple with this for an extended period, likely continuing to isolate myself until I no longer slur my words, drool, or unexpectedly doze off mid-sentence. I was unaware of the significant energy required for the brain to heal; even contemplating a conversation can be exhausting. Simple movements, such as shifting my hand a few inches, demand immense energy, thought, and concentration, leaving me utterly fatigued.

I am apprehensive, as I am in a precarious position for experiencing another stroke. I was fortunate to be awake during this incident, and Carter's persistence in keeping me alert was invaluable. I received the clot-busting medication within the first four hours; without it, I would not have recovered and would have sustained further damage. There was no pain; suddenly, I was unable to move the left side of my body, and I felt everything shutting down. The experience was surreal and unbelievable. While standing to use the toilet, my left side became completely paralyzed within seconds.

I understand that I often address uncomfortable topics, but this situation is particularly distressing. I feel trapped and at the mercy of my brain and the healing process. It is incredibly frustrating, and I question whether I possess the requisite patience. I am, quite simply, confined within my own body.

6:41 PM 01/25/25

It’s a struggle just to open my hand in the morning.

This picture symbolizes the challenges I face every morning upon waking, especially when I feel cold, experience pain, or encounter stress and uncertainty. My left hand instinctively wants to panic against my chest and clench into a fist, a phenomenon often referred to as “stroke arm.” The left side of my body tends to remain in a state of atrophy—tense, tight, and withdrawn. It’s a struggle just to open my hand in the morning, a simple action that most people take for granted. I can no longer afford that luxury.

My left knee and ankle mirror the behavior of my left hand, remaining tense and tight. It takes considerable time to loosen my knee enough to walk semi-normally, even with the aid of a walker, but I am making progress. Without resorting to videotaping my daily struggles with basic tasks, this picture comes close to capturing my reality. It is incredibly frustrating and a daily battle, but I hold onto the hope that things will improve. As much as I long for a return to normalcy, I understand that it won’t happen overnight. Medical professionals have advised me to expect a recovery period of one to 18 months, and I intend to heed their advice, as I am at high risk for another stroke in the coming year. This situation is no joke; I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It is frightening, isolating, and surreal—like experiencing an out-of-body moment, at least on one side.

I am committed to my recovery and am learning to exercise patience throughout the process. Interestingly, one positive outcome of my stroke is that I no longer struggle with ADHD; I can now focus on one task at a time. Multitasking, such as walking while chewing gum, overwhelms me and drains my energy. Walking alone is a significant challenge, so that is where my focus lies. It feels like a battle against half of my own body, devoid of spatial and temporal recognition. I must relearn these concepts and retrain my brain accordingly.

I often feel exhausted and find myself sleeping much of the day, which I’ve been encouraged to allow. My appetite has increased, and I am losing weight rapidly, fluctuating between 145 and 150 pounds—far too thin for my liking. However, my brain requires substantial energy to heal, and I must provide it in any way I can.

10:28 AM 01/25/25

No words.. I miss Dawne.

The loneliness and sadness I experience in Dawnie's absence is beyond words. I miss her deeply. We were perfectly matched; she was the person I wanted to share every moment of my life with, and my happiness in that connection was immense. Each day, I eagerly anticipated her waking up, and that excitement remained unwavering from the first day we met until the day she passed away. Life was beautiful, despite her struggles with addiction and the challenges that came with it. She was my partner, my companion, my best friend—truly my matching puzzle piece. The longing to be with her is overwhelming. There are simply no words to express the emptiness, loneliness, and void I have felt for the past eight years. This was never a situation I wished for, nor was it a choice; had it been up to me, I would have spent all eternity with that beautiful woman. Her loss has left an indescribable emptiness and void in my heart.

6:46 PM 01/24/25

Absence of a loved one is difficult to articulate.

The profound sense of loneliness and sadness that accompanies the absence of a loved one is challenging to express. The significance of this loss is immense, as the individual was a perfect match, embodying the ideal companion with whom every moment of life was meant to be shared. The joy derived from this connection was boundless, with each day filled with eager anticipation for their presence. This excitement remained unwavering from the first meeting until the day of their passing. Life, despite its challenges, including struggles with addiction, was beautiful in their company. They were not just a partner but also a best friend—truly a complementary piece in the puzzle of life. The longing to reunite is overwhelming, and the emptiness, loneliness, and void felt over the past eight years are profound. This situation was never desired, nor was it a choice; given the opportunity, an eternity would have been spent with this remarkable individual. Their absence has left an indescribable void in the heart.

3:55 PM 01/24/25

DirtyJob.org coming soon.. Honoring Dawnie and helping the planet..

The idea of "recover and restore" extends beyond stroke recovery; it also includes the vital process of reforesting our planet. I am currently focused on and passionate about planting trees and revitalizing forests to restore nature's original design. I advocate for a simple yet powerful notion: everyone can contribute by planting a tree. This experience began as a coping mechanism in the wake of the profound loss of my wife, Dawne. What started as a distraction from heartache, pain, and grief has transformed into a deep-rooted passion and commitment, bringing substantial happiness, joy, and fulfillment. My sons and I have successfully channeled this newfound passion into a remarkable endeavor.

It's a dirty job that we love to do.

12:28 PM 01/24/25

GOOGLE X ING

A little bit alphabet (google), a little bit of X (x.com) and a little bit of bing, GOOGLE X ING. To fully index and make it searchable, I needed both Google and Bing., all documents , emails and all text are fully index and searchable by word and keyword, and I needed the help of Google and bing to do that. So I put it in a format that kind of flows like X.

Not that this is for anybody other than me and for my defense and to be able to pull up anything at any time, especially since I don’t remember any of this crap.

And because how biased prosecutors and police are, I include the summary of the non-bias, objective AI of google Gemini - "Joey Montes discusses the need to index and make documents and emails searchable using Google and Bing for personal reference."

What does Joey Montes need?
Joey Montes needs to fully index and make all documents or emails searchable by word and keyword

7:32 AM 01/21/25

That amazing smile and those stunning eyes. No words could ever describe how much I miss you.

There are no words to describe how much I miss and how lonely I am without Dawnie. She was an incredible wife, partner, companion and best friend. She was all those things for me and a whole lot more. Without a doubt for me, she was my perfect matching puzzle piece and we just fit. I love her more every day. I fall more in love with her every day and I miss her even that much more every day. I know I will see her again someday very soon. I just wish I could kiss her hold her hand hear her voice and hug her one more time. She provided me so much and I feel like I’ve lost so much which I really have. I’ve lost my best friend the love of my life, my partner, my companion, my confident, and the only person that I have trusted with everything. That is a lot. I miss her. I hurt, i ache and I suffer because she’s no longer here. The boys miss their mother. I miss my wife. I miss the love of my life and my everything and I’m not ashamed to say it. Truth is I fall more in love with Dawnie every single day. I know what I’ve lost. I know the void in the hole that it’s left inside of me. I know what it’s taken from me and I know what she gave me. I know I will see her again someday soon . I know., Dawnie, without a doubt I love you more. I miss you more.. and I will be seeing you soon. I promise. I feel you and I’ve been dreaming of you so I know you’re around. Thank you for always taking care of me and loving me. Love you more.

7:36 PM 01/18/25

Rediscovered a bunch of family photos

Rediscovered some family photos of the boys, Dawne. Kaitlyn, Devon, myself and the rest of the family. It’s great seeing old photos of much happier and better time for all of us. I miss. Dawnie. every second of every day, words can never describe, but it’s like to lose your best friend, partner companion, and your perfect matching puzzle piece. I miss her. Dawnie, would’ve been relentless in my recovery and rehab. Should be my greatest cheer cheerleader and push me to get better and stronger and healthier. She would’ve been with me every second and I would’ve wanted her to be with me every second and she’s the only person that I would’ve wanted to be there every second. I love her. I’m in love with her and I miss her. Dawnie, without a doubt I love you more. I will see you soon and I can’t wait. I miss you and I will dream of you. I promise.

5:18 PM 01/18/25

The type of stroke I had "Perseveration"; What exactly is that?

Perseveration is repetitive and continuous behaviour, speech or thought that occurs due to changes in cognitive skills such as memory, attention, and mental flexibility.

Perseveration is a symptom of stroke that involves the unintentional repetition of a word, phrase, action, or feeling. It can occur in people who have had a traumatic brain injury or a stroke.

What causes perseveration?
* Damage to the frontal lobe of the brain, which is responsible for awareness and inhibition
* Difficulty shifting responses or switching to a different activity

What types of perseveration are there?
* Stuck-in-set: Uncontrolled repetition of a thought or topic
* Recurrent perseveration: Unintentional repetition of a behavior
* Continuous perseveration: Uncontrolled repetition of a feeling

How does perseveration affect a person?
* It can limit a person's ability to communicate
* It can make it difficult to carry out daily activities
* It can be harmful to a person's health and relationships

5:07 PM 01/17/25